Bahasa Inggris

Dari Tolololpedia, ensiklopedia bebas berbahasa Indonesia.
Loncat ke navigasi Loncat ke pencarian
Bendera Inggris.png
This article contains the England element

Artikel ini, Bahasa Inggris, mengandung unsur Inggris.
Hati-hati jika anda berkunjung ke London, menonton Liga Inggris, menonton GP Inggris di Silvershitstone, menyodomi temanmu, menonton konser U2, menonton Shaun the Sheep, menonton Chris Froome dan James Knox balapan, mengentot suami atau istrimu, makan fish and chips dan scone, ngebokep dengan ratu Elizabeth pertama, atau hal-hal lainnya yang berbau Inggris.

Adult neon.gif Artikel ini mengandung Bokep (Untuk Dewasa 18+)
Mungkin penulisnya terlalu banyak melihat foto bokep atau terlalu sering menonton film Maling Kutang (OOPS!)

Marilah bantu Tolololpedia untuk membersihkan pikiran Susilawati.

Artikel ini memuat hal-hal berbau Prilly atau yang bersangkutan dengannya!
Prilly Latuconsina/Πριλλι Λατουκονσινα/Прилли Латуконсина/פרילי לתוקונסינה

/فريلي لتوقونسينا/プリリー・ラトゥコンシナ/普力丽·拉图康西娜/普力麗·拉圖康西娜/프릴리 라투콘시나 dengan menyatakan bahwa artikel ini, Bahasa Inggris adalah kesukaannya Prilly Latuconsina. Dan semua Prillvers akan berbondong-bondong jadi Tolololpediawan atau sebaliknya setelah membaca artikel ini.

Jumlah Prillvers yang menjadi Tolololpediawan:
Jika anda bukan penggemar Prilly, dimohon untuk segera keluar dari artikel ini, teriakilah "OW SHIT" ke Prilly, minggat ke toilet, atau pukul komputer anda dengan lampu maupun Toyota MR-2nya Prilly.
Barney dan Anak-anak.jpg
Artikel ini tidak ada hubungannya dengan SARA maupun SARA Azhari.
Artikel ini tidak bermaksud untuk menyinggung Suku, Agama, Ras ataupun Alat Kelamin apapun di dunia, namun ceramah aslinya MEMANG jelas-jelas bermaksud untuk menyinggungnya.

Jika anda merasa tersinggung oleh artikel buatan Barney ini, silakan pukul situkang ceramah aslinya dengan linggis dan majalah transmagnya Barney.

Artikel ini diperbolehkan karena ini zaman keterbukaan, karena ini zaman demokratisasi, tidak boleh ada yang ditutup-tutupi. Silahkan tanyakan ke Adly Fairuz atau Zaskia Sungkar.
Untuk orang-orang yang tidak memiliki rasa humor sekalipun, bangsa(t) Wikipedia yang (sok) tahu, telah mempunyai artikel tentang Bahasa Inggris.

Bahasa Inggris (English: English) is a very confusing language for you, not for me (and especially for Li'l Sultan). It is caused by difficulties on pronunciation or reading for you due to your inability on English such as: i pronounced aye, g pronounced ji, h pronounced eitchs, and w pronounced dabel yu. Likewise, the word: "honey" pronunced hani or "funny" pronunced fani. Whereas English is quite easy for me somehow you would never see English easily as easy as natives do. Obviously all things you have to do is to practice and practice. But you spent your money for attending so many courses as well as made your mbok wants to die due to your idiotic sense of learning. In this page, you are considered as an idiot reader for sure.

Everyone who resolves any dilemmatic problem on English usually is the genius man as me, yet most non-natives like you waste so many times learning English. So like obviously to be a fluent in English we should consider the boundaries of our abilities and break it even though only a few people that able to do sort of thing so that is why I did not take or enroll any courses since I was born. There is only one chance for you of which I hesitate to work: stay in US or UK. However, you do not need to feel grief, this article is going to be presented for you to involve the real spoken English, not to learn paper based English any longer like you did on your fucking course.


History means "sejarah" or in Javanese-English is pronounced like "histori" as for instance "historine tiyang Jawi" (sejarahnya orang Jawa) though obviously is pronunced "hiscwi" by using BrE (British English) accent. It is history of which you would not even get it this fookin language (by using mandems' accent: "fookin fam yo"). Well it is all got to do is the history of English yet I will put up your so-called lemot minded, so then I am going to use Bahasa on this section.

Okay, sejarah Bahasa Inggris dimulai sejak abad 30 SM dimana saat itu belum ada Bahasa Inggris, yang ada Bahasa Jermania (Germanic) di daratan Eropa timur laut. Suku Angles di Saxony (Sachen, sebuah kota kuno di Italia) transmigrasi ke Pulau Britney. Di sana mereka membentuk komunitas kesukuan yang selalu berperang dengan suku-suku pribumi "Brittony" (julukan bagi Native Britney); yaitu Suku Celtic, Suku Gaelic, Suku Quraishic, dan Suku Sundaic. Bahasa Jermania aksen Angles yang disebut Anglo-Saxon mulai kentara di sini. Namun lama-kelamaan cikal-bakal Bahasa Inggris mulai muncul sejak klan Smith mengenal tradisi tulis-menulis surat seperti "Epic of Beowulf" dengan menggunakan Bahasa Inggris Kuno (Old English language; or formally called as Ænglisc sprak).

Ketika klan Norman (Normandy) berkuasa di Britney, Bahasa Inggris Kuno mengalami pergeseran grammar menjadi Bahasa Inggris Pertengahan (Middle English language; or those gents called it as Englisc langsprak). Kemudian Arthur Shakespeare memperkenalkan tenses seperti berikut:

1. I love you (present tense).
2. I loved you yesterday (past tense).
3. I will love you next year (future tense).
4. I have loved you since you were born (present perfect tense).
5. I have been loving you as you like it (present perfect continuous tense).
6. I love you till death do us part (present perfect modus tense).
7. I must love you whenever you pass by (present pickup line tense).
8. I love you unless you are quite rich (present perfect matre tense).
9. I will always love you (past houston song tense).
10. I know you love me (present geer tense).
11. I love her (present playboy tense).
12. I cannot live without your love (present disgusting tense).
13. I am loving it (present mekdi tense).

Sejak itu lahirlah Bahasa Inggris yang mana mbokmu norak kalau melihat orang yang bisa berbahasa Inggris.


The English alphabet is "abcdefghijklmnopqrstvwxyz". Oh no, I miss "u". h3h3


The real spelling of English is quite much such as æ, ā, þ, (r), è, ß, and so. But in this article, the author uses a special version for spelling by using Indonesian-influenced. They are:

  • a; like anjing.
  • æ; like aya-aya wæ.
  • i; like anjing.
  • e; like aya-aya wae.
  • ə; like euis.
  • u; like ujang.
  • o; like otong.


English grammar is not the same as Indonesian grammar. Oh cum on, who would dare to say the same? Whoever dare saying both same is either stupid or crazy. Sort of thing makes you dizzy so that . Therefore, you should take a comprehensive conversation class in English language. Hell yeah, don't you wanna lose to the other people who could speak English "cas cis cus" like this: a big black bug beat a big black bear but a bug black bear beat a big black bug back? It's easy innit?

The English grammar consists of very-easy structure for smart people, not for you and your mbok. In real spoken English, however, natives and those who are fluent in English never think of grammar at all, they speak naturally, and most intellectuals speak automatically, grammatically, and seriously yet most stay on their own habit.

Now I am gonna show you a bit tenses of English in a sample completed paragraph as follows:

1. "I work for Mr. Jojon" (Present Tense)
2. "But he slapped me yesterday" (Past Tense)
3. "Because I will take his money tomorrow" (Future Tense)
4. "I have told him not to take it seriously" (Present Perfect Tense)
5. "He has been calling me DooDoo back then" (Present Perfect Continuous Tense)
6. "And I am feeling so mad at him now!" (Present Continuous Tense)
7. "Now I am going to hijack his company" (Present Evil Tense)
8. "He has a beautiful daughter by the way" (Present Perfect Daughter Tense)
9. "And I want to marry her as soon as possible shortly after killing him" (Present Perfect Impossible Tense)
10. "If I was smart as Cassini and understood the rings around Titan, I might have fucked his daughter" (Present Perfect Imaginator Tense)
11. "And I certainly have been to kill God as well" (Present Kafirun Tense)
12. "Ahh... never mind, it was only bad storytelling. I'd rather read tolololpedia than to be tolol in reality" (Future Perfect Tolololpedian Readers)

Another grammar:

1. Passive Voice: "Amingwati was fucked by Roy Suryo".
2. Question Tag: "You're idiot aren't you?".
3. Modals: "I may lend my panty to you but I'm worry it's gonna be jamuran"
4. Command Prompt: "If .... then ..."
5. Comparison Degree: "I am way too smart than you"

Example Conversations[sunting]

Conversation derives from an abbreviation stands for "convert" (tukeran) and "sanction" (hukuman). The example of English conversation as follows:

Basic Conversation of Introduction[sunting]

DISCLAIMER: The following conversation is for those who are in the first level of basic like you. If you would like to be an expert cas cis cus in English, do not try to ask Google Translate and neither hesitate to learn it.

Teacher (T)
Dmitri (D)
Students (S)

T: "Alright come on, settle down boys!"
S: "Yees, Mr. Rooney!"
T: "Good day, everybody!"
S: "Good day, Siiiir!!"
T: "Now boys. Headmaster has asked me to speak you this afternoon class on the subject of Geography. But I'm going to introduce a new student. Our Russian exchange's student. Mr. Sacmeov please come in!"
D: "Umm... Thank you Mr. Teacher!"
T: "Alright. Introduce yourself, Mr. Sacmeov"
D: "Good morning guys"
T: "This is afternoon, Mr. Sacmeov!"
D: "Oh well, pardon me! Good afternoon guys!"
S: "Good afternoooon!"
D: "How do you do?"
S: "How do you dooo?"
D: "Umm yeah. My name is Dmitri Suck Me Off, I'm just newcomer from Moscow Student Exchange Foundation"
T: "Excuse me, could you spell it your name?"
D: "Oh.. umm.. D-M-I...."
T: "No, no. I mean your surname!"
D: "Okay. Umm... S-A-C-M-E-O-V"
T: "Alright, now say it!"
D: "Suck Me Off"
T: "Uh... I won't suck you off, but suck me off!"
S: "Hahahahahahhaaa...."
D: "Err.. pardon?"
T: "Yes, do you want to suck me off? My prick doesn't turn up these days. Please suck it off pfff...."
S: "Hahahahhahahhahaaa...."
D: "......I beg your pardon, Sir. I guess you get me wrong"
T: "Yes, I do. At least you suck me off, so I wouldn't get wrong, no more!"
S: "Hahahahhahaahahahaa......"
D: "......"
T: "Hahhahaa... Alright, Mr. Suck Me Off. If you could find a seat somewhere there. Miss Watson! Could you guide to Suck Me Off there?"
S: "Hahahhahhhaaahahahahhaa...."
D: "@#^×&#&*)("
T: "Mr. Suck Me Off. The worst first arrival you aren't expected from earlier, are you?"
D: "Nope. I will fuck me off!"
T&S: "Hahahahhahahahahhahahahha..."

Formal Conversation[sunting]

DISCLAIMER: The following conversation requires an English fluency and lack of English sense of humour. If you do not have any idea due to your unability of which you could not figure out this, you would go to Google Translate and ask him what this means.

Headmaster (H)
Mr. Perkins (P)

H: "Gow now Mr. Perkins! It's good of you to come in"
P: "Your pleasure, Headmaster!"
H: "Anyway I realize that you're busy man, but I didn't think this matter could be discussed over the electric telephone"
P: "No Headmaster! I guess my son has some sorts of trouble then I'd like to know about"
H: "Quite frankly, Tommy is in trouble. Recently his behaviour has left a great deal to be desired! He seems to take no interest in school life"
P: "Uh really?"
H: "Yes. He refuses to mock-in on math field! And it's been week since any master received any written work from him!"
P: "Dear me!"
H: "Quite frankly! If he wasn't dead, I've had him expelled!"


P: "I beg your pardon?"
H: "Yeah expelled! If I wasn't making allowances for the fact that your son's dead, he'd be out of here!"
P: "Tommy is dead?"
H: "Yes, he is. He's lying up there in sick bed now. Stiff as a board and bright green. And this is, I fear, typical of his current attitude!"
P: "What?"
H: "You see the boy has no sense of moderation! One moment he's flying around like a paper kite, and the next moment he's completely immovable...."
P: ".....???"
H: "And beginning to smell!"
P: "How did he die???"
H: "How? Is that important?"
P: "Of course yes!!"
H: "Well... it's all got to do with library, you see, we've had a lot of trouble recently with boys taking out library books without library cards. Your son was caught. And I administered a beating during which he died"
P: *sigh
H: "You'll be glad to know that the ringleader was caught.... so I don't think we'll be having anymore trouble with library discipline! You see the library card system...."
P: "Wait?! You beat my son to death?"
H: "Yeah... So it would seem! Please I'm not used to be interrupted! You know that the library card system is...."
P: "Do you exactly know what you've been done??"
H: "Well that, apparently it was just a boy, slipping into library and taking the books"
P: "No! During a beating!"
H: "Oh that! Well, one moment he was bending over and the next moment he was lying down and then blablbla bak bik buk...."
P: "Dead???!!"
H: "Deadish!!!"
H: "Mr. Perkins! I find this morbid fascination of yours with your son's death quite disturbing! What I'm talking about is his attitude!! And you know now I can see where he gets it from!"
P: "Me?? Yet wasn't me to beat him to death! I would never do sort of thing!"
H: "Yea, that was perfectly obvious to me from the first day he arrived here!! I wondered then as I wonder now if he might not have turned out to be a very different boy indeed if you had administered a few fatal beatings earlier...!!"
P: "Are you mad???"
H: "Furious!! In order to accomodate the funeral, I have to cancel this afternoon school you know!!"
P: "This is prosperterous!!"
H: "Yes, it is! Or at least it would be......... if it were true"


P: "What?"
H: "I've been joking, Mr. Perkins! Pardon me it's my strange academic sense of humour! I've been pulling your leg"
P: "Oh my goodness!!! Thank God....."
H: "I mean I wouldn't cancel this afternoon school to bury that little shit hahaha..."
P: "Whaaat???"

Slang Conversation[sunting]

DISCLAIMER: The following conversation is using so-called mandems, or sometimes people call it "thug" and "chav", a British slang which is influenced by Jamaican accent. You would never find it on Google Translate due to your own idiotic to never learn English in Real Spoken conversation.

Ryan (R)
Bill (B)

R: "Wagwan blud! As you can see man is in the past!! Almost a hundred in the past! Dun' kno 'bout that thing!"
B: "Nice fam! You cosplaying like professional reenactor blud just like fucking troops on the endz innit?!"
R: "Yeah man is in 18th century fam, man is reppin' a British Empire crew! From London to the West Indies, reppin' those endz. Yeah! God save King George my boy! God save 'Gorgie G'!! Long Live Brittons!! Brapp!! Dun' kno!"
B: "Hahahha... You man fam!"
R: "As you can see man just wanna show you my man wearing on the creps during 18th century 'ere, all original, check the creps, check the garmz!"
B: "Wow!! For real blud? Where's peng!"
R: "This!! Look, look!! This is Brown Bess Musket yeah! Or.... or, Brown Bessy, or Brown Bezzy, or Brown-B, whatever you wanna call her yeah... she's my peng, she's my wifey!!"
B: "Demo, do demo blud!!"
R: "A'ight fam! Man I said get ready......" (sambil mengangkat musket ke atas)
R: "Man I said present......" (sambil membidik musket ke arah got)
R: "Hey fam, man is lieutenant don't you see! Whatcha' you lookin' at?? Don't get me fexed fam!! Don't get me fexed innit!!" (sambil berceloteh)


B: "Wow!!"
R: "Bang!! Hahahha... pussyhole!!"
B: "That was oasm fam!!"
R: "Yea blud! Dun' kno"
B: "What's this blud?"
R: "Oh fam! This is shank! Look!!" (sambil menarik shank di depan musket) "Look at that size of the shank blud!! Bare long innit?? This is for shunking!! Shunk, shunk!! Dun' kno!!"
B: "Great, fam! Tell me this peng and thing!"
R: "A'ight so like obviously... when there a beef on the endz yeah, it shouldn't be called a musket anymore, it should be called shanksket!! Or shanking sket!! :P"
B: "Hahhahaa... you're too sick blud!!"
R: "Hahahhaa... can't contain hype! Can't contain hype!"
B: "Demo the way line of march blud!!"
R: "Oh that? Look...." (sambil memperagakan barisan) "One two... three... one two... three... one two... three... with a what??... blud thing... with a what??... blud thing.. brapp!! Dun' kno!!"
B: "Hahhhaha... pussyhole!!"
R: "Hey listen! Reppin' all the endz on the light like collum, rraah!! that's par!! My sket shoot very far!! Then my shank shunk, shunk, and shunk huzzaah!! Dun' kno!!"

Pasti kamu ndak ngerti aksen ini, karena kamu anak mbokmu yang bodoh.

Javanese-English (Javlish) Conversation[sunting]

DISCLAIMER: The following conversation contains so-called a very-easy Javanese-English accent. If you still attempt to ask Google Translate, you are certainly an idiot one! Not to be racist but this conversation is required a high-level knowledge on Javanese language. If you are not Javanese, you may see Batlish (Batavian-English) conversation on the next passage.

Pak Joko (J)
Mr. Smith (S)
Penerjemah (P)

J: "Ho-hoo Mr. Smith! Monggo-monggo welkam tu mai gubuk Mister! Plis kam in"
S: "Thanks a lot, Mr. Joko"
J: "Oh tel mi wat yu won Mister!"
S: "I beg you pardon?"
J: "Heh... terangke doi ngarep opo dolan rene" *bisik-bisik
P: "Excuse me, Mr. Smith! Is there something important that makes you come to us?"
S: "Alright Mr. Joko. As the more perceptive of you probably realize by now, this is a big project, Sir! I would have been in jail if they found out what you did to our crew yesterday"
J: "Syyuut... de'e ngomong opo tho?"
P: "Jarene iku... sing dek wingi"
J: "Dek wingi opo??"
P: "Itu lhoo... duit sogokan sing bapake kasih ke bule-bule koncone Mister Smith!!"
J: "Oh niku... Anu... Mister Smith! Ay em sori it is tip.. mani tip.. for tengkyu yu hehhe..."
S: "Pardon?"
P: "Mr. Smith! It was a kind of present to you and your crews, hopefully we want this project clear and easier to get signs from our government faster by using your right as the Project Manager"
S: "Well I'm sorry I'm afraid we obey the regulation from our stakeholders"
J: "Dia bilang apa?"
P: "Dia bilang, maaf sayangnya kami mematuhi peraturan dari para atasan!"
J: "Peraturan opo??"
P: "Ya nggak boleh nyogok tho?"
J: "Halah sing cangkeme akeh tok yo diem wae nek abis disuapin duit. Iki bule kok nolak..."
P: "Yowis pak'e. Pripun?"
J: "Emm.... oke Mister. It is friii!! Fri Mister! Tek it!"
S: "No Mr. Joko. If you read your Holy Book, you might have seen that it was a sin! I'm sure you're plenty to understand it!"
P: "Si bule bilang iku doso pak! Nyogok itu dosa pak'e"
J: "Ni bule relijius ya??"
P: "Mboh aku pak!"
S: "So I would like to give the cash back by the end. I am going to order my assistant and ensure to send you that money at least before the dawn today"
P: "Dia bilang dia mau balikin duite ntar sore, Pak!"
J: "Lha piye tho? Wis tak bilangi ojo sampe iki bule ngerti soal sogok-menyogok, berabe dadine tho??"
P: "Ojo ngomeli aku tho, Pak! Udu aku sing ngerjani iki!"
S: "Mr. Joko. Listen! I'm sure you already know that it was a kind of gratification, this was an abusement and if you keep forcing me to receive that money, I'm certainly gonna make a report. Seriously!"
J: "Oh no no no Mister. Ay em jas giv yu litel mani. So don tell enibadi yo, oke-oke??"
S: "Don't ever try to make me comfort by giving money or suit mansion or whatsoever!! Don't you ever think the consequences on doing corruption, Sir?"
J: "Makin angel wae iki bule ngomong opo cak?"
P: "Dia bilang jangan coba-coba menyogok saya, apa bapak tidak takut konsekuensinya korupsi?"
J: "Halaah iki bule tak balangi watu ndase ben mojrot sirahne rasakno kowe jancuk!!"
P: "Pak'e. Ojo keras-keras ngomongnya nanti!!"
J: "Rapopo!! De'e ra ngerti boso Jowo tho!"
S: "Sakpenak'e irungmu, aku ngerti boso Jowo. Lha wis pirang-pirang taun nang Tegal wis krasan aku, taun wingi aku balik sek ke Manchester. Sampean ojo coba-coba menghina saya ya?!!"
J&P: (melongo)
S: "Ojo planga-plongo koyo ketek sampean!! This is offensive!! I'm gonna tell your fucking boss and ask whether you still can work for tomorrow or not!!!"
J: "Waaat???" *"eh dia bilang apa?"
P: "You're gonna be fired, Pak! Bakalan dipecat!!"
J: "Waduh brabe iki. Maaf Mister, maaf! Anu sori-sori, Ay em ndak ada maksud untuk menghina......"
P: "Wis aku minggat waelah pak! Ora urus!! Dadaaah...."
J: "Woooy jancuk!! Arep ngendi kowe cuk!! Woooyy!!"
S: "Fear, Mr. Joko?"
J: "Litel-litel, Mister Smith!"
S: "Alright! Kalo sampean ora gelem aku nggawe laporan ke atasan sampean, sampean kudu nambahin 25% lagi dari total duit sing kemaren sampean kasih to my crew? Piye tho? We have a deal, don't we?"

Batavian-English (Batlish) Conversation[sunting]

DISCLAIMER: The following conversation is Batavian-influenced English accent. If you live in Jakarta, you must be able to figure out this conversation.

Doel (D)
Babeh (B)
Maknyak (M)
Sterling (S)

B: "Doel! How is your school today"
D: "Just the same, Beh!"
B: "Really? You know your teacher Mr. Sterling called Babeh this morning that you skipped his class!"
D: "Ohh nganu beh.... alright, honestly Aye went to XXI watching Insidious 3 with Sarah, Beh!"
B: "Doel! Babeh already paid your school with money a lot. Why lou skip your class??"
D: "Once-once no what-what lah, Beh!"
S: "Babeh and Doel! Excuse me, samlekuum"
M: "Beh, ada tamu noh! Sono samperin!"
B: "Iyes, Mak. Ayem coming!"
S: "Hello, Babeh! I'm sorry to interrupt your free time. I had to skip this afternoon school for telling you something important in sense of Doel's school activities nowadays!"
B: "Iyes, iyes. Masup, Mister. What's up nieh?"
S: "Umm... It's hard to say... that your son is suspended due to his action skipping my class"
B: "Ahh Mister. Please don't! My son was khilap"
S: "Yeah but your son isn't worth attending the exam. This is rule, Beh. Sorry!"
B: "Doooeeell!! Come here lou!"
D: "What sih beh?? Eehh Mr. Sterling! Ayem sorry. Aye made a mistake this morning!"
B: "Lou diskors! Gimane sih??! Gegara lou going to bioscoop noh!!"
S: "Iyes Doel. You are suspended"
D: "Huuh?? When is it started?"
S: "It's started on Sundaaay hahahahaa... April's Fool!"
B: "Watdefak. Gak jelas nieh bule tenabang!"
D: "Sorry Beh. Aye told a lie, Aye didn't skip the class"
B: "Watde..."
D: "Jan marah lah Beh. Pan April Mop!!"
B: "Kagak lucu lou son of a bitch!"
M: "Ape lou kate Beh??"

Minangkabau-English (Minglish) Conversation[sunting]

DISCLAIMER: The following conversation is Minangabau-English, influenced English accent.


Accents adalah aksen-aksen. Aksen adalah logat. Logat adalah dialek. Dialek adalah gaya-gaya pengucapan. Aksen-aksen Bahasa Inggris terdiri atas:

  • Formal British (BrE):

"Gow now Mr. Longbottom? Great! In order to accomodate the marriage of mine, I would cancel all projects which I have signed! Thanks a lot!".
"Gounaw Mistə Langbattm? Gre'! Inodə təuwəkommodeik dimewwieij, ay wəud kænzel əolprəojæk wicay heiv saint! Fengsəlok!"

  • Informal British:

"You're all here, in hell for eternity, which I hardly need to tell you is a heck of a long time"
"Yəuraol hia, in hell fo itcənəti wicay harli nidtəu tel yəu isə hekawelong taym"

  • Slang British:

"Don't be fucking silly you idiot!"
"Dongbi faking sille yəu idiyət!"

  • Northern London:

"I can't put up on this kind of behaviour boys! And neither I must warn you with Mr. Hardon!!"
"Ay ka'n purapon dis kaində biheiviyə bois! En naidəray mas worn yu witf Misər Hardron!!"

  • Southern London:

"I'm sorry I'm afraid you cannot pass this way broth"
"Em sowi emefwaeid yu kænnək paszis wei brat"

  • Mandems/Thug (Jamaican):

"Wagwan blud, dun' kno! Wait, hey blud where my fuckin' necklace? Don't get me fexed, fam! Man getting fexed and thing, you let it on the endz innit?? What the fuck!! Pussyhole!!"
"Wogwoan blak donno! Wek, he blak wemafakin nəkles? Doung ge'mi fextam! Men ge'ing fexten ting, yu le'i'on diyenzinnit?? Wudə afak!! Pussio!!"
(kamu gak mungkin ngerti aksen ini karena kamu bodoh).

  • Scouser (Liverpool):

"Yeah, it don't even matter. I'd try this shit out. See?"
"Ye it dong ivn ma'ah. Ædtrae disy syiaouk. Zi?"

  • Mancherister (Manchester):

"Seriously! This week has any master receives any written work from here!"
"Siriəsleh! Diz weik heis eini mastərrisivseini ərritten wərk formiye!"

  • Scottish Gaelic:

"Right? What right? This failure you said right? Shame on you! Mr. McGrory will beat you soon!!"
"Rekh? Wakrekh? Diz feyləuryea sek rekh? Syamonyea! Mizər Mekgroreh wul bit yea sun!!"

  • Scottish Celtic:

"What? Now? A'ight, I'll stop by yours after this afternoon class. Bye-bye!"
"Wok? Nah? Owek, ayl stapbey yorsafta dizaftərnun klas. Babaek"

  • Welsh:

"Siŵr yw you want me to pass this message to him n'est-ce pas? No? Oh iawn, I'd notify him to see you play for a game yw! Nice! Hwyrach meet!"
"Sur yo yu womme cupazis misech cuhim neschəpas? Oh iaun, ed nocifay him cussi yu pleforə gem yo! Nais! Huirokh meik!"

  • Irish:

"Hey you darling! Pardon me! Are you free tomorrow so you're gonna cost me, tSiúr? Well how was my cheesy chat up line?"
"Hei yu dolin! Pedəmmay! Ayufi tumouow soyuganna kosmeh suso? Wel hauwasme cizi cap laen?"

  • Common American (AmE):

"Dude, look at that fuckin' fags! I ain't scold this time yet those make me wanna poopoo! Let's get outta here, I can't stand anymore shit!!"
"Dud, lukadæt fakin fægs! Ayen skoldiz taem yek doz mekmi wœnna puppu! Lets gedauda he, aykənt stendenimor syit!"

  • Manhattans (New York City):

"Dammit God! My pussy's getting turn up, I need to squeeze your prick by my hips! Ahh... chill out baby!! Yes.. shake it.. oohh... I'm cummin' baby oooohhh... holy shit!"
"Demmit Gad!! May pəussis gedding tərnap, ay nidta squiz yorprik bamay hips! Aahh chilaut beibeh!! Yess... syekit... oohh... Aymkamin beibeh oooohhh..... holi syit!"

  • Chicagos (Texas):

"Slick! I know this isn't gonna be my home any longer, at least if it would be... umm.. if I get one chance to hug her for the last moment"
"Slik! Anouw disisn gannebi mahom eni longger, et list ifit wudbi... eumm.. ifagedwan canc tu haghər fordelast momən"

  • French:

"Sorry, I know I'm wrong about this! I won't do it anymore, Monsieur!"
"Souhhi, aynuo aym wuhhong əbaut di! Ay won duit enimoh, mussyuh!"

  • German:

"Achtung! We should be proud of our führer und reichskanzler! We have to praise our glory Deutschland über alles!! Sieg heil!"
"Akhtung! Wie syudbi praud auf aur fyurkha un raikhskanzla! Wie havtu praiss aur glori doitsylan yuba alləs!! Sig hail!"

  • Dutch:

"Meneer and mevrou! I've asked Meneer Sneijder to transfer this money from Amsterdam to Groningen! So, don't forget to receive it ja?"
"Mənir en mevru! Aikv askid Mənir Snaidər tu transfər dis mani from Amstərrdam tu Khroningen! So, dont voorkhet tu riciv it ya?"

  • Italian:

"I've tried to tell Sig. Buffon before but there are miscommunication issue. There's nothing I can do. I'll call Don Vito Corleone soon! Grazie ragazzi!!"
"Etrettutellle Sinyore Buffonne biforrbat derar miskommunikesyien issiyu. Ders nating ekunedu. Elkolle Don Vito Korlione sun! Gratzia ragatzi!!"

  • Arabic:

"Ahlan wa sahlan ya habibi, it's nice to see you here! Do you remember last moment you meet Ahmed and taking you by his Lamborghini? Hahahha... his Lambo is cheesy isn't it? Na'am!"
"Ahlan wasahlan yahabibi, its na'is tusiyyu hiyya! Duyyu rimambah lasmawm'n yumiit Ahmad 'ayn taykinyu bay his Lamburghinni? Hahahha... his Lambu 'is jissi isnit? Na'am!"

  • Indian:

"Don't talk about my uncle, you bloody bastard! Do you think I'm afraid to you hahh?? Tell your mom kuch kuch hota hai!"
"Don tokəbot mei angkəl, yu bladi bastəd! Duyuting ayeməfreid tuyu haa?? Telyormam kuchə-kuchə houta hei!"

  • Chinese:

"This plan needs to work soon. I've been to discuss to Mr. Chang and he says yeah along the way!"
"Dizplaeng nids cəu wək sun. Ayfbin tu diskastu Mistəchang en hi seys yea əlong də wei!"

  • Japanese:

"I will use your Lucille, Goto-san! They think this matter can be forgotten!! All behind this will be shamefully exposed by Lucille, Goto-san, aishiteruka!"
"Aywiru yusiyo rushiru Goto-sang! Dey singk disumaderu kenbi forugotten!! Orubihaine disuwirubi shemfuri ekusopositto bayurushire Goto-sang, aishterka!"

  • Javanese: (dipopulerkan Jokowi)

"I have told you mbok yo I don't like tongseng tho! But why you still make tongseng to me? Wis don't be leyeh-leyeh, or later I mad!"
"Ay hep thold yu mbok yo ay dhon laik thongseng tho! Bhat wai yu səthil mek thongseng tu mi? Wes dhon bhi leyeh-leyeh, or lethər ay med!"

  • Sundaic:

"No, Teteh mah working in Bandung, atuh Kang. If you want to come, Teteh will open"
"No, Teteh mah working in Bandung atuh, Kang. Ip yu wontu kam, Teteh wil opən"

  • Batavian:

"I don't like this job. If Babeh know, he will mukulin I by his iket pinggang, bang!"
"Aye don laek dis job. If Babeh knau, hi wil mukulin aye bay his iket pinggang, bang!"

  • Minangkabau:


  • Malaysian:

"Upin, Ipin! Masuk and don't go anywhere after Maghrib ya? Later Aunt nak making nasi lemak for you both lho!"
"Upin, Ipin! Masok en don go eniwe aftah Magrib ya? Letah An nak meking nasi ləmak fohyu both lho!"


Pronunciation adalah pengucapan dalam suatu aksen. Pengucapan yang digunakan dalam Bahasa Inggris sebenarnya tidak ada aturan baku, tapi supaya tes TOEFL dan IELTS laku, maka Lembaga Bahasa Inggris (English Language Foundation) di Teheran memutuskan untuk menggunakan 2 aksen dalam pronunciation, yaitu Formal British (BrE) dan Common American (AmE). Namun Organisasi Bahasa Inggris Ternama (ORBIT) di Indonesia memutuskan 3 aksen utama; yaitu BrE, AmE, IndonE.


BrE (British English) adalah aksen Inggris utama tertua di dunia. Aksen ini dituturkan di Inggris (ya iyalah, namanya juga aksen utama). Aksen ini adalah aksen tersulit buat kamu dan kebanyakan orang Indonesia (rata-rata dari kalangan alaytokrat). Mungkin disebabkan oleh rendahnya IQ kamu sehingga tidak akan pernah bisa menguasai BrE. Sekalipun IQ kamu tinggi pun, paling banter kamu hanya akan bisa aksen AmE (American English) yang gampang banget.

Karakteristik BrE:

  • "r" sering hilang entah kemana, kalo di tengah jadinya kayak "ww", kalo di belakang hilang. Contoh: alright! (æwwaek), over (ovə).
  • "r" di depan malah jelas, saking jelasnya malah kayak "rr". Contoh: round (rrawnd), written (rrittən).
  • "r" di tengah dan di akhir dalam sebagian aksen BrE seperti Southern London, malah jadi "rr" semua. Contoh: great (grritt), number (nambərr).
  • "r" di akhir dalam sebagian aksen BrE seperti Scottish kedengeran seperti desahan wanita malam "ah". Contoh: over (ovah).
  • Akhiran "t" selalu diucapkan dengan jelas, bahkan disambung pun tetap jelas. Contoh: anthem (æntəm), twenty (twenti), check it out (chekitaut).
  • "a" kadang-kadang diucapkan jelas "a", kadang-kadang bengkok kayak "æ", kadang-kadang medok kayak "ə", kadang-kadang juga ngapak kayak "ei". Pokoknya bagimu itu sulit. Contoh: are (a), want (wænt), a cup (ə kahp), wait (weit).

Contoh-contoh BrE pronunciation:

  • I, You, They, We = Ay Yəu Dzey Wi, bukan Ayu Dewi.
  • Thank you = Fengkyəu atau Tsengkyuk, bukan Tengkyu.
  • I love you = Ay ləuf yəu, bukan AyLuphYu.
  • She doesn't want to stop by = Syi dazn wœntəu stœp bay, bukan Si dazən won tu stop bae.
  • Deep inside the forest there's a door into another land = Deipinsaydə forrist dezədo intəu ənathə lænd, bukan Dip insaid də fores ders ə dor intu ənadər len.
  • Harry! Somehow I'm going to spit out to Voldermort because he naively boasts himself as the greatest man all over the world = Hewwi! Səmhaw aym gointəu spitautəu Voldəmot bikahz hi neiəvli bosəsim selfæs d'grittst mæn ællovə d'wərl', bukan Heri! Samhao ayem goingtu spit aot tu Voldermort bikaus hi neivli boəs him self es də grites men oll ovər də world.


AmE (American English) adalah pronunciation Bahasa Inggris dengan aksen Amrik (Common American) yang lebay-lebay seperti Chintə Lowra yang neyk ojhekh jhealan bechek-bechek. Sebenarnya tidak lebay, tapi karena Cinta Laura dan kamunya sendiri yang lebay pengen keliatan keren bisa berbahasa Inggris, tapi tidak bisa-bisa sehingga aksen Amrik tereduksi sedemikian rupa menjadi aksen lebay. Pronunciation AmE adalah pronunciation tergampang dalam Bahasa Inggris, tapi kamu tetap merasa AmE itu susah sehingga AmE menjadi lebay.

Karakteristik AmE:

  • "r" itu sangat jelas, saking jelasnya diucapkan agak lebay kayak "wr". Contoh: around (əwraund), over (ovəwr), trying (twrain).
  • "t" biasanya malah jadi "d" atau "rr". Contoh: Jakarta (Jekawrda atau Jekawrra), bukan "Jekardah".
  • "n" ketemu "t", eh "t" nya malah hilang, "n" nya malah kadang-kadang dabel. Contoh: want (wœn), twenty (twenni), interview (inəwrvyu).
  • "t" ketemu "o" malah kadang-kadang jadi "rr" kadang-kadang jadi "d". Contoh: get out (gerraut atau gedaut), check it out (chekedaut atau chekerraut). Kaskuser yang bodoh seperti kamu suka memplesetkan jadi "cekidot".

Contoh-contoh pronunciation AmE:

  • I, You, They, We = Ay Yu Dey Wi, bukan Ayu Dewi.
  • Thank you = Ţengkyu, bukan Tengkyu.
  • I love you = Ay lowf yu, bukan AyLuphYu.
  • She doesn't want to stop by = Syi daz'n wœnna stœp bay, bukan Si dazən won tu stop bae.
  • Deep inside the forest there's a door into another land = Dinsaydə forest dersədowrintu ənadərlæn, bukan Dipinsaed dəfowrezt deərsədowr intu ənadərlen.
  • Harry! Somehow I'm going to spit out to Voldermort because he naively boasts himself as the greatest man all over the world = Hewrei! Samhaw em gœna spidauttu Voldəwrmowrt bikœzi neivli boss him selfæs də gwrettəst mæn ællovəwr dəwəwrld, bukan Hewri! Samhao ayem gona spidaut tu Voldermort bikoz hi nevli boses him self es də gridəs men oll ovər də wəwrld.


IndonE (Indonesian English) adalah pronunciation Bahasa Inggris dengan aksen pribumi Indonesia. Kebanyakan orang Indonesia (seperti kamu salah satunya) justru tidak bisa IndonE. Tokoh-tokoh Indonesia pengguna IndonE di antaranya adalah Wimar Witoelar, Timothy Marbun, Habibie, Prabowo, rata-rata jurnalis TV di Indonesia (seperti Rosiana Silalahi, Bayu Setiono), dan rata-rata pelacur ratusan juta (seperti AA). IndonE sering disalahpahami sebagai aksen kampungan, padahal yang kampungan itu aksen AlayE. Berikut adalah perbedaan pronunciation IndonE dan AlayE:

  • IndonE: road (rowd), alter (œltər), written (rittən), listening (lizəning).
  • AlayE: road (rod), alter (oltər), written (writtən), listening (listening).

  • IndonE: I'd like to say thank you very much for coming, you're the best (Aydlaik tusæy tengkyə veri mach for kahming, yəar d'best).
  • AlayE: I'd like to say thank you very much for coming, you're the best (Aid laek tusey tengkyu veri mac for kaming, yor dəbes).
  • I, You, They, We = Ay Yə Dey Wi, bukan' Ay Yu Dey Wi.
  • Thank you = Tengkyə, bukan Tengkyu.
  • I love you = Ay lof yə, bukan Ay lav yu.
  • She doesn't want to stop by = Syi dazən wœntə stop bay, bukan Si dazən won tu stop bae.
  • Deep inside the forest there's a door into another land = Dip insayd də forest ders ədor intu ənadər læn, bukan Dip insaed də fores ders ə dor intu ənadərlen.
  • Harry! Somehow I'm going to spit out to Voldermort because he naively boasts himself as the greatest man all over the world = Herri! Samhaw aym gointə spit aut tə Voldərmort bikauz hi naifli bosts him self æs də grittəst mæn ællovər də wərld, bukan Heri! Samhao ayem gona spidaut tu Voldermort bikoz hi nevli boses him self es də gritəs men oll ovər də world.

Word Connection[sunting]

Word Connection (WC) adalah keterhubungan antar kata sebagai trik dalam speaking yang kilat dan cepat. Tidakkah kamu sadari bahwa bule-bule pribumi Inggris itu bisa ngomong cepet karena pake trik WC? Tentunya kamu tidak menyadarinya karena kamu bodoh. Berikut ini adalah WC antara 2 aksen BrE dan AmE yang membuatmu gak bakalan pernah bisa ngomong cepet cas cis cus kayak bule:

  • Betty bought a bit of bitter better butter.

- kamu: betti bout ə bit of biter beter bater.
- BrE: betti bautə bittəwbittə bettə battah.
- AmE: beddi baurrə bidə bidər bedəwr badəwr.

  • A big black bug beat a big black bear, but a big black bear beat a big black bug back.

- kamu: ə bik blek bak bit ə blek ber bat blek bleh bla bla bla (putus asa).
- BrE: ə bigblak bag biətə bigblak be, battə bigblak be biətə bigblak bag bakh.
- AmE: eibig blækbag bidəbig blækbewr barəbig blækbewr bidəbig blækbag bæk.

  • Once you love to watch football then you are going to be love to stay up at night.

- kamu: Wans yu lov tu woc futbol den yu ar going tu bi lov tu stey ap et nait.
- BrE: Wonsyəu ləuftəu wœtcəfutbœlen yəua gointəubi ləuftəu stæyapæ'nayt.
- AmE: Wansyu louftu wotcəfutbol den yugannəbi louftu stæyap ædnayt.

Kamu ndak percaya bule asli ngomong pake WC? Kalau begitu, mari kita lihat perbedaan "dengan dan tanpa WC" di bawah ini.

BrE "Dengan dan Tanpa WC"[sunting]

T (Tanpa WC)
D (Dengan WC) ==>> Bule asli BrE

  • And quiet frankly, now I can see where he gets it from.

T: Ænd quwayt frænkli nau ay kehn si we hi gets it frəm.
D: Ænquwækfrænkli, nawaykensi wehigetsə'fəm.

  • A copper-painted chunk of some 1980s junk will fetch a pretty penny on eBay!

T: Ə kœppa peyntid cangk əuf sam nayntin eytis jangk wil fætc ə pritti pænni on ibæy!
D: Əkœpapeynti' cangkəsam nayntineytis jangwil fetcəpritti pænniyonibey!

  • I wondered then, as I wonder now if he might not have turned out to be a very different boy indeed if you had administered a few fatal beatings earlier.

T: Ay wondəd den es ay wondə nau if ay mayt not hæv tərnt aut tu bi ə vewwi diffent boy indid if yu hæd edministəd ə fiu fetəl bitings aliyah.
D: Aywandədenesay wandənawifay mæt'nhæv tərna' tubiə vewwidiffent boyindidif yu hædəministədə fiw fetal bitingsəliyah.

AmE "Dengan dan Tanpa WC"[sunting]

  • Let's get out of here! I feel sick and tired of this fuckin' home.

T: Lets get aut əf hie! Ay fil sik end tayəwrd əf dis fakin hom.
D: Lets gedaudahe! Eyfilsiken tayewrdadis fakin hom.

  • You know I'm gonna have to buy some booze for tonight, sweatheart!

T: Yu nou aym ganna hæv tu bay sam buz fowr tunayt, swidawrd!
D: Yuno emganahæv'ə bay sambuz fowrrənayk swidawrd!

  • Just because they don't wanna fit into our culture doesn't mean they're kind of bad you know, we've got a good or bad at the same way.

T: Jas bikahz dey dont wœana fit intu œr kalcəwr dazen min deyr kayndə bæd yu nou, wiv gat ey gud owr bæd æt də sæm wæy.
D: Jasbikəhz deydo'wœna fiddintu œrkalcəriddazen min deykandəbæd yuno wivgaddəgudowr bædætd'sæm wæy.

British English (BrE) Tutorial[sunting]

DISCLAIMER: This section defines how the way to speak British English to increase alarming on puerille innuendo about BrE pronunciation in the Real BrE Spoken. Depending on the high quality IQ, this section is not suggested for you whose your mbok's feeling regret to gave birth such a wit like you. You may ignore this section by scrolling down your mouse.

Somehow I could not understand why most non-English native people would like to be an expert in BrE (British English) whereas obviously no certain dealing on the fixed BrE. In United Kingdom, there are numbers of particular accents as you can see in "Accents" section above, such as Southern London, Northern London, Manchester, Scouser, Upper Countries (Welsh farmers, Gaelic, Celtic, Irish), and sort of kampungan slang like Mandem or Thug. There is no significant difference with Indonesian local accents like logat Betawi, Betawi cekak, Banten pesisir, Sunda, Jawa, Jawa ngapak, Jawa misuh, Timur, so on.

However, I realize that speaks in BrE is much better than to speak AlayE. So, in this section I would share the following directions which may describe the rule of Queen's English or "Received Pronunciation" (RP) spoken in southern Britain (England and Wales), rarely ever used in the modern-day United Kingdom, but the foreigners' stereotypical view of how the way the "Real" Englishmen speak. Let's get down to business!

  • Start practicing to pronounce "rs" and "rr".

If it is a sentence, do not pronounce the "r" after the vowel, but draw out the vowel and put a "ww"-lookalike for the infix "-r-" (instead to say "ww", some words with 3 syllables are pronounced the "r" very clearly like "rr"). You may sometimes add an "-ah" like a sket moaning, for example: "Harry Potter" (Hewwi Pottah or Pottə), "haters" (heitəs), "mirror" (mirrah or miwwə), "squirrel" (skwirrəl). Example sentence: "Harry Potter puts his haters behind the mirrors together with squirrels" (Hewwi Pottə putsis heitəs bihaynd'miwwah tugethə wift skwirrəls).

  • Twist your tongue on "u" and "a".

Avoid the AmE's "u" for particular words such as "stupid" or "duty", do not ever say "stupid" or "juti", but "stəupid (or "schəupid")" or "dəwti", it is almost like "styupid" or "dyuti". Example sentence: "your duty is being stupid because you live in delusion" (yodəwti's biying stəupid bikahz yəu livin deləusiən).

And the word "a" has to be very clear, for example: "father" (fathah), "far" (fa), "standard" (standad). Example sentence: "your father didn't qualify, too far from our qualification due to his IQ standard" (yofathə di'n quollifay tufa frəm awə quollifikesyən dəutu his ayqyu standad).

  • Use your throat to pronounce like 'ayn in Arabic for "tt" and "nt".

'Ayn in Arabic is one of huruf IQRO which pronounced in stressing consonant as well as used in BrE's "tt" in front of the vowel and "nt" behind the vowel. You may hold the vowel on your throat like Indonesian "-k" in "kayak" (kaya'), "tidak" (tida'), "rokok" (roko'). For example: "unforgotten" (anfogat'n), "important" (impot'n), "mountain" (maunt'n). Example sentences: "I can't think of time when you fell down from the mountain and dead, it was the most important moment in my life" (I ka'n thinkətaym wenyəu feldawn fəm d'maunt'nen ded, itwəs d'mœstimpot'n momn inmaylayf).

Old English[sunting]

Old English adalah Bahasa Inggris kuno yang tidak pernah diajarkan dalam setiap kursus Bahasa Inggris. Bahasa ini diucapkan oleh orang Inggris di masa lampau dengan kosakata yang mirip Bahasa Jerman dan Bahasa Belanda (ya iyalah, Bahasa Inggris itu adalah rumpun Bahasa Jermanik cuy). Contoh kosakata Bahasa Inggris kuno adalah:

  • Kata ganti.
    • I, Me, Mine = Ic, Mýn, Mýnə.
    • You, Your = Þū, Þ, Þýnə.
    • We, Us, Our = Þīe, Oðs, Œrs.
    • They, Them, Their = Sīe, Sēp, Sīer.
    • She, Her = Sī, Hæp.
    • He, His, Him = Æī, Æīm, Æīsþ.
    • It = It.
  • Kata tanya.
    • What = Hwæt.
    • Who = Fū.
    • How = Hū.
    • When = Pæ.
    • Why = Þæ.
    • Where = Hwær.
  • Kata konfirmasi.
    • Yes = Gēcē.
    • Yeah = Gēcə.
    • No = Nā.
  • Kata to be.
    • Am = Bēn.
    • Is = Is.
    • Are = Gǣ.
    • Was = Þāsþ.
    • Were = Þəūrþ.
    • Been = Gāþæsīn.
    • Has = Hæsþ.
    • Have = Hæs'þ.
    • Had = Hæþ.
  • Kata to do.
    • Do = Dū.
    • Did = Dæ'd.
    • Done = Dā'n.
  • Kata carut.
    • Fuck = Fægērē.
    • Shit = Şæē.
    • Bitch = Þœld.
    • Damn = Dæmm.
    • Crap = Kræfþ.
  • Kata gender.
    • Dick = Dæc.
    • Sack = Sac.
    • Bollocks = Bōlœ's.
    • Prick = Prīk.
    • Pussy = Pœssē.
    • Fanny = Fænnē.
    • Semen = Sāþ.
    • Butt = Bārsþ.
    • Crack = Kārkə.
    • Fag = Fæīə.
    • Faggot = Fæə'.
    • Hip = Hīfþ.

Contoh-contoh kalimat Old English:

  • Hū gǣþ? = How are you?
  • Bēsþēl = Pretty well
  • Þāncīe = Thank you
  • Gǣþ þēl? = Are you good?
  • Nēicdūþn = No, I don't.
  • Gēcēalsýlēfþ = Yes, please.
  • Ic þēl ģwœn fægērē hæp = I just wanna fuck her.
  • It is fōwērbīþən = It's forbidden.
  • Þænē? = Why not?
  • Þū þīlnhæfþ smākrýgæne = You'll get smack in the face.
  • Æct? = Really?
  • Hāmœðār sālþ þœmə = Her mother will thump you.
  • Æīœa = Uh huh?
  • Cœltsþāncē, þūmīc ænpēls þæfwōar þœld = Chill out, you may please another bitch.
  • Hwær? = Where?
  • þār gǣcēcəncē þārwōan Sarkem = There are chicks out there in Sarkem.
  • Ic dūþnhæs'p þēnne = I don't have penny.
  • Pœssēwōalþ! = Pussyhole!

Shakespearean English[sunting]

Shakespearean English adalah Bahasa Inggris ala William Shakespeare. William Shakespeare adalah seorang mantan ketua Karang Taruna di Tanjung Belati (Capeshank), 100 meter ke arah timur laut desa Kepangeranan (Earldom) perbatasan antara Pelabuhan Congor (Portsmouth) dengan Dusun Karang Tengah (Middlerock County) di sebelah utara Kota London, Jerman. Shakespeare kemudian beralih profesi menjadi pujangga bak Arjuna Wiwaha setelah bertapa di bawah pohon mengkudu (apple tree) bersama Isaac Newton.

Setelah menjadi pujangga, Shakespeare menuai es magnum opus (karya-karya emas) seperti Romeo and Juliet, Macbeth, Epic of Beowulf (Epos Beowulf), Legend of Avatar, dan Legend of Jake Baring (Legenda Jakabaring). Dalam salah satu novel karyanya yang berjudul "Sakarepmu" (As You Like It), Shakespeare menggunakan kosakata-kosakata (vocabularies) dan grammar yang aneh. Para sejarahwan dan filolog sepakat bahwa Bahasa Inggris ala Shakespeare adalah cikal-bakal Bahasa Inggris Modern, yang merupakan transisi dari Bahasa Inggris Pertengahan (Englisc længsprak) ke Bahasa Inggris Modern (English language).

Berikut ini adalah ciri-ciri Shakespearean English:

  • Setiap verb ditambahi imbuhan "-eth", contoh: "taketh" (take), "sayeth" (say), "siteth" (sit), "fucketh" (fuck), "cashrimpeth" (cashrimp), dll.
  • Tidak ada "you" (kamu), yang ada "thou", "thee", "thy", dan "thyne". Itu adalah panggilan sopan terhadap kamu, seperti engkau atau dikau. Konon Shakespeare sangat santun terhadapmu, padahal kalau dia tahu kamu bodoh, dia tidak akan pernah bersikap santun.
  • Diduga dalam Bahasa Inggris ala Shakespeare terdapat sistem ngoko-kromo juga seperti Bahasa Jawa. Contoh: "hath" (has), "has't" (have), "art" (are), "beest" (be), "wast" (was), "thither" (there), "hither" (here), dll.
  • Sering menyingkat kata-kata yang berakhiran "-er" menjadi "r", tetapi diucapkannya "-ah". Aneh kan? Contoh: "lawy'r" (lawyer, dibacanya: laowyah), "sist'r" (sister, dibacanya: sistah), "comput'r" (computer, dibacanya kompyutah), "controll'r" (controller, dibacanya: kontollah).

Berikut adalah contoh-contoh kalimat Shakespearean English:

  • I love you.

- I loveth thee.

  • She doesn't wanna be my wife.

- The lady doest not wanteth to beest the mistress of mine.

  • You don't want to get the fuck away from here, do you? I don't wanna see you anymore!

- Thou doth not wanteth to geteth the fucketh hence from hither, doth thou? I doth not wanteth to seeth thee for any longer, no more!

  • Whoaa, dude! Pass that fuckin' pizza over here, I'm gonna starve!

- Heigh-ho, broth'r! Passeth that fucking pizza ov'r hither, I'est wasting to beest hunger!

  • This is your new school, Andy! Take this book, this is yours!

- This ist thy neuw college, Andy! Taketh these papers, these art thyne!

Contoh Percakapan Shakespearean[sunting]

Earl William of Cambridge (W)
King Edward of England (E)
Princess Isabelle of Wales (I)
Abdi Dalem (AD)

AD: "Thy Highness, My Lord! The 1st Earl of Cambridge hast coming back from the Underworld"
E: "Please cometh in!"
W: "The King of mine! I has't explored the niew land, My Lord!"
E: "Telleth me thy story, Earl William!"
W: "This land ist located in the Southeast Asia, it ist an archipleago consisteth of tons of islands, people nameth it "Nusantara". I has't found the spicey resources. Those natives nameth it 'jamu' and the taste ist kind of bitter!"
E: "What ist something special of it?"
W: "Ouhm.... Thy Highness, thou could beest extremely strong along the night, My Lord!" (bisik-bisik)
E: "What doth thou meaneth?"
W: "I meaneth thou could fucketh Thy Princess until the dawn without any rest at all!"
E: "Heigh-ho! Art thou sure, broth'r?"
I: "Gents! Why doth thou both whispereth?"
E: "Outh, nothing My Lady! So, Earl William! Can I has't thy jamu?"
W: "No, My Lord! The Dutchmen has't builteth the fortress ov'r thither!"
E: "Dutchmen?"
W: "Exactly, My Lord! The Flying Dutchmen!"
E: "Outh Kay! I would commandeth the troops of mine to Nusantara and attacketh those gents!"
I: "O My Lord! Thou should not colonizeth Nusantara and expelleth the Flying Dutchmen. I has't heard that the Flying Dutchmen ist the most man of evil all ov'r the world!"
E: "For Jamu's sake, sendeth Our Army to Nusantara! I declareth to Holy War against the Flying Dutchmen!"
AD: "Thy Order ist Our Sake, My King!"
I: "Wha'? Art thou kidding, My Lord?"
E: "Of courseth not, Isabelle!"
I: "But...."
E: "Taketh't easy, Isabelle! We art strong! It ist for jamu's sake, for thee!"
I: "For me? Ough, My Lord! Thy Highness, Thou art very sweet. But I doth not understandeth!"
W: "Yes, My Princess! This because Our King wanteth to fucketh thee along the night! This Holy War wast declared due to Jamu Kuat, special for fucking thee"
I: "Fucketh me? Ough, I could not waiteth for't, My Lord! I wanteth Thy Dick t'night!"
E: "No fucking at night until I geteth the Jamu!"
I: "Heigh-ho, please doth not let me alone t'night! I needeth Thy Almighty Dick.... please, My Lord!"
E: "Thou could fucketh Earl William t'night! Earl William of Cambridge, I ordereth thee to fucketh My Lady Isabelle t'night!"
W: "For real, My Lord?"
E: "Sure!"
I: "Waiteth! Thy Highness, Thou wanteth me to fucketh another man t'night?"
E: "No! I wanteth thee to fucketh the ten gentlemen t'night!"
W: "Doth Thou let me to gang bangeth Thy Princess, My Lord?"
E: "Yes! Goeth on!"
W: "Thanketh thee, My Lord! Cometh on, My Lady! Let's fucketh until the dawn!!"
I: "Nooo, waiteth My Lord! I'est not Thy Mistress!! Thou could not ordereth me to pleaseth Earl William and His Gentlemen!"
E: "Yes, thou art not My Mistress, but thou art a slutty princess, merely a bitch of mine! William, fucketh her until we geteth the Jamu!"
W: "Thy pleasure, My Lord! Hey, cometh on bitch! I wanteth to fucketh thee!!"


Test Of English Fucking Language ini mengukur seberapa kentunya kamu dalam berbahasa Inggris. Ada sebuah keunikan tersendiri dalam TOEFL. Para native speakers (pribumi Inggris) dan bule-bule asli Inggris saja tidak pernah bisa mencapai skor di atas 500, tapi banyak yang non-native seperti orang Sunda, Padang, Jawa, Bali, Papua, Arab, yang skornya di atas 550. Tapi ketika diajak ngomong Inggris, rata-rata cuma bisa "e a u" saja, tidak bisa cas cis cus. Maka dari itu, sering kutekankan bahwa jika score TOEFL kamu bagus, belum tentu kamu bisa berbahasa Inggris. Bisa jadi sertifikat TOEFL kamu aspal.

TOEFL dibagi atas 2 tes: TOEFL-PBT (Prank Based Test) yang diselenggarakan dalam rangka iseng (prank) saja dan TOEFL-IBT (Idiot Based Test) yang diselenggarakan khusus untuk orang-orang bodoh yang ingin mencari kerja di luar negeri tapi nggak kesampean seperti kamu. Berdasarkan partisinya, TOEFL test dibagi atas 4 bagian:

1. Listening.
In this section, you will hear short conversation by using audio speaker. Each conversation contains a strange keyword by which some sorts of TOEFL courses always give you trick to understand it. What a silly. For example:

Man: "Would you mind if I pick you up at 9 PM?"
Woman: "Never mind"

What does the fucking woman mean?

a. She is quite busy at the hotel at night.
b. She is way too young for the man.
c. She wants to get rid of the man.
d. She refuses to appear in this question.

Jika tidak ada jawaban yang benar, maka pilihlah jawaban yang tidak benar. Maka dari itu, jawaban di atas adalah semua tidak benar.

2. Structure.
In this section, you may fill the blank with a correct structure of the fucking grammar. You are considered as a kindergarten boy or girl indeed if you are not able to choose the correct answer.

Tommy .... his father by .... a shotgun.
a. kiss, fucking.
b. kicked, aimed.
c. killed, using.
d. sucking, shaking.

Jawaban di atas sebenarnya semua benar. Tapi dalam section ini, kebenaran kurang penting, yang penting sesuai struktur gramatikanya. Maka jawaban yang sesuai adalah C.

3. Reading.
In this section you are treated like a newbie who just able to read English articles even though your reading ability is merely cheesy like your mbok. Read the passage below and answer correctly.

In 1234, an American neuroscientist conducted research on ants due to sexual pleasure of them and the result was fiercely shocking. In fact ants always foreplay before mating with their opposite genitals and share their female to each other. Scientist called this invention theory of animal mating as "gang bang theory". Related to this research, recently an 18-year-old Irish-Canadian girl was raped by a gang of niggas in Manhattan. This story was adopted to some Japanese Adult Video's fantasies such as gangrape, interracial bang, and so on.

  • Who was the neuroscientist?

a. Stephen Hawking.
b. Albert Einstein.
c. Roger Penrose.
d. John Lennon.

  • What do you feel on gang bang?

a. Pleasure.
b. Challenge.
c. Pride.
d. Whatever.

  • What does word "1234" on the fucking first line in paragraph above refer to?

a. Mathematic number.
b. Togel's number.
c. Mystical number.
d. Ideal of men's genital measurement.

4. Speaking.
Lihat bagian Conversation di atas.


IELTS (Ideal English Language Test for Shits) adalah sebuah tes Bahasa Inggris mirip TOEFL yang diperuntukkan untuk mereka yang memiliki banyak t̶a̶i̶ uang saja. Sekali tes anda diwajibkan membayar 2,5 % dari total pendapatan anda selama sebulan untuk disumbangkan ke berbagai Yayasan Panti Jompo. Dan untuk mendapatkan scholarshit̶p (t̶a̶i̶beasiswa) pesantren di negara-negara Eropa diwajibkan menyertakan hasil skor IELTS dengan minimum requirement mencapai skor 9. Jadi kamu tidak akan mungkin bisa mendapat beasiswa. IELTS dibagi atas 6 materi yang diujikan; IELTS for Speaking (untuk lisan), IELTS for Listening (untuk pendengaran), IELTS for Understanding (untuk saling pengertian), IELTS for Landing (untuk pendaratan), IELTS for Spanking (untuk pembokongan), dan IELTS for Nungging (untuk eksekusi). Examiner (penguji) IELTS adalah orang-orang pribumi Inggris asli atau bule yang kebetulan sedang dalam ikatan dinas dengan PT. IELTS Ltd. di New York.

Kursus Kilat[sunting]

Apakah anda ingin bisa berbahasa Inggris bahkan sampai mengalahkan bule-bule, tapi tidak mau belajar Bahasa Inggris? Ngimpiiii!!! Tapi tenang aja, mimpimu bisa menjadi kenyataan. Begini caranya:

  • Pastikan bule yang ditemui adalah bule yang tidak bisa berbahasa Inggris, misalnya bule Spanyol, bule Portugis, bule Polandia, atau bule Hindia Belanda. Tapi jangan bule Arab, nanti yang ada kamu malah diajak ngomong Bahasa Ibrani.
  • Bila kamu tidak bisa menemukan bule seperti itu, ya cari doong. Jangan pantang-menyerah!
  • Setelah menemukan bule seperti itu, lalu tanyakan namanya. Tapi jangan begini: "Hello Mister! What is your name?", terlalu mainstream. Mbokmu yang tidak bisa berbahasa Inggris pun juga ngerti. Tapi tanyakan seperti ini: "Gow now pal, would you be fucking kind as telling me your bloody spooky weirdy funny name?". Dijamin bule palsu itu akan bingung dan malu berwajah bule tapi ndeso nggak bisa Bahasa Inggris.
  • Terlalu susah? Kamu itu udah nggak mau belajar, nggak mau susah juga? Ya sudah, nggak usah sok-sok'an pengen bisa berbahasa Inggris lah.

Slang language[sunting]

Slang language adalah bahasa gaul Inggris yang benar. Banyak orang salah kaprah mengira bahasa gaul Inggris itu seperti ini: "Don't do this dong, not worthed!". Padahal bule Inggris-Amerika sendiri tidak seperti itu. Bahkan, gobloknya orang Indonesia macam kamu itu sering mencampur-aduk gramatika Bahasa Indonesia lalu ditranslate ke Bahasa Inggris dalam hal formal. Contohnya: "Thanks before" (tidak ada kalimat seperti ini dalam Bahasa Inggris).

Slang language of English is not hard as you thought from earlier. All you got to do is to make it used to be yours. Slang does not mean you break the grammar, you even could not let it out. Slang means you would rather choose being chilled than to think lemot like go blog man translating word by word in brain, even in google translate unless you are chating on Line or Whattsap. There is a Javanese proverb states: "Witing Inggrís Jalaran Soko Kulino" (To able to speak English caused by habitual). So, if you want to be smart and fluent in English, you need to stop translating on your mind. These are the example slang conversation in Nigga's accent:

Nicoulae (N)
Carl Johnson (CJ)

N: "Ssup nigga?"
CJ: "Don't call me nigga man. You ain't us! Like I said it's kinda impolite you know because you ain't us!"
N: "You anus?"
CJ: "Ain't us you fool!"
N: "O..o.. sorry. Yeah I see!"
CJ: "Russian!"
N: "Well anyway what we gonna do now man? Killing pedestrians, stealing vehicles, and having fun with tons of chicks in Las Venturas my man? Yeahaha..."
CJ: "Nah man. I'm scold this time pal, those gang makes me sick and tired of this type of junkie life!"
N: "Arrgh cum on CJ. Beating some hippies or killing 'em is our daily duty right? We've been programmed to be a game's chars, so do never think such a real human man!"
CJ: "Nah Nico. I'm just feeling sorry 'bout that. Well man, I've gotta go now there's one mission I wanna complete. Sorry my man, but you can pick up my men the groove street to hit some gangs unless you ain't pickin' up me anymore. I'll see you later Nico!!"
N: "Sounds good. Anyway take care man! Don't chit-chat a cheat code!"

Bahasa gaul[sunting]

Nah, ini baru yang disebut Bahasa Gaul Inggris dimana saat ini sedang sangat "ngetrend" sebagai bahasa gaul lokal Indonesia. Bahasa gaul bukan slang language. Berikut ini adalah contoh percakapan gaul di kalangan anak-anak muda:

Cheryl (C)
Nisa (N)

N: "Yesterday I go shopping to Singapore dong"
C: "Wow, cool very!! Shopping what this Nis?"
N: "Ah usual, buy thing-thing branded original you know!"
C: "Iyeuh. How money that you waste to there?"
N: "Ah, only a few Dollar Singapore only Ryl, not many"
C: "Wew, funny must dong!"
N: "Sure dong. Eh, eh, I see a handsome guy in Singapore lho. Don't jealous ya?"
C: "Ih who jealous iyeuh! I have boyfriend river, more handsome must than the guy that you meet"
N: "Tuh jealous kaaan... hahahaha"
C: "Stop ah. Later I show you my boyfriend!"

Kampung Inggris[sunting]

Kampung Inggris (English Village) adalah sebuah perkampungan imigran Inggris dari berbagai belahan Bumi Nusantara. Kampung ini terletak di dusun Helpking (Tulungrejo), district of Pare (dibaca: Peir), regency of Toself (Kediri), di Provinsi Jawa Ngetan.

Tutor-tutor di Kampung Inggris kebanyakan belajar Bahasa Inggris secara otodidak, tapi mereka lebih lancar dan fasih cas cis cus dibanding mereka yang kursus di lembaga-lembaga ternama sekaligus termahal. Namun sayangnya impotensi mereka hanya diakui oleh orang-orang ndeso. Itulah sebabnya mereka mengadakan long march menuntut kesejahteraan tutor terhadap Pemerintah di setiap tanggal 1 Mei (May Day).

Murid-murid yang belajar Bahasa Inggris di Kampung Inggris berasal dari kalangan aristokrat berduit yang rata-rata adalah anak-anak labil (ababil) yang tujuan utamanya bukan belajar Bahasa Inggris, melainkan cari cewek (bagi cowok), cari cowok (bagi gay), pelarian dari broken home, atau traveler yang iseng-iseng singgah sejenak menikmati secercah Peradaban Eropa Barat di Kampung Inggris.

Di hari libur, para warga Kampung Inggris biasanya jadi pecinta alam dadakan, atau pendaki gunung dadakan, atau backpacker dadakan. Itulah sebabnya mereka dijuluki traveler-wannabe.

Parean Accent[sunting]

Parean Accent (Aksen Pare) adalah sebuah logat unik yang digunakan mayoritas penduduk Kampung Inggris. Aksen ini banyak diisi dengan fillers seperti "eee.... aaa.... mmm...". Hal itu disebabkan karena mereka sangat hati-hati dalam berbicara Bahasa Inggris, mereka takut salah grammar atau vocabulary-nya.

Selain itu, bila mengobrol, mereka juga menggunakan password: "how to say" untuk mengucapkan sebuah kata dalam Bahasa Indonesia yang tidak diketahui kosakata Inggrisnya. Hal ini disebabkan karena mereka sangat mencintai Bahasa Indonesia sehingga enggan untuk buka-buka kamus dan menghapalkan vocab-vocab Inggris. Inilah bukti nasionalisme rakyat Kampung Inggris.

Di bawah ini adalah contoh percakapan Inggris dengan menggunakan Parean Accent:

Stella (S)
Tessa (T)
Marlina (M)

S: "Ehh guys!! Do you all ee.... know that I meet eehh... aaa... met a... handsome boy on eeee..... this afternoon class"
M: "How is... eh.. does he look like, Stell?"
S: "Umm... he is very cool, handsome with a long nose... ee... how to say mancung... and his muscle is so sixpack!"
T: "Stelll I'm sorry. What is the meaning of muscle? I forget!"
M: "Otot!"
T: "Ooo.. okey, tengkyu!"
M: "So where is he come from?"
T: "Where does he come from kaleee... You have been in Pare for 3 months not smart-smart iihh... always wrong grammar. Iyeeeuuhh...."
M: "Yes, sorry Tess. Calm down kaleee... So Stell, where is he from?"
S: "Oh he said eeee... he come from Ambon. Ehhh... comes from Ambon!"
T: "Ambon?? Wooow... so far yah?!"
S: "He said his purpose to come to Pare is for study English. I think he is how to say pura-pura"
T: "For studyING. I dunno why you always forget -ing after for verb!!"
S: "O iya. For studying. Ahh... it's not important you know!"
M: "Baidewei, what's your name... eehh... his name?"
S: "Oohh his name is Michael or Mikail I forget the name exactly Lin!"
M: "So what you gonna do with him tomorrow?"
T: "What ARE you gonna do Marlina!!"
M: "Shut up Tess! The ee..... real foreigner pun eee.... usually speak ee.... without aaa.... grammar you know!"
T: "You wrong! Natives always speak grammatically you know, but they faster because using word connection like this: "Watcuganadu"!"
M: "Ahh you alone also wrong. "They ARE faster" not "they faster"
T: "It's because I speak quickly like natives and you couldn't catch it! I said "dei(r)fasta". It's British, "r" almost lost"
M: "I never hear eehh.. heard the British eee.... speaks like you. Try watching Harry Potter! I never find eee..... the way to pronounce like you do!"
S: "Hellloooow guys?! What are you talking about? I'm talking about aaaa..... a boy and ee... you both is... eee... how to say malah talking about grammar!!"
T: "Sorry, sorry Stell. Continue it!"
S: "No! I'm not mood again now!"
M: "Stell! Don't how to say ngambek dong...."
T: "Stell! Don't say you how to say mangkir from promise to treat us tansu (ketan susu)!"
S: "I'm not how to say mangkir. I will treat you eee.... tansu later... maybe tomorrow... now I'm gonna back to ee... my camp! I want to how to say nyapu and how to say ngepel ee... my room! My room is so dirty, there are eee.... so many ee... how to say debu!"
T: "Dust!"
S: "Yes... dust! Hei.. how about how to say sapu Tess? I always forget the English of sapu"
T: "Broom!"
S: "Yes... groom!"

Pickup Lines[sunting]

Dalam Bahasa Inggris dikenal istilah "pickup lines". Kalau kamu ke Google Translate, Google tidak tahu arti dari "pickup lines" karena Google tidak pernah ngegombalin cewek seperti kamu yang tukang modus murahan. Oleh sebab itu, kamu dapat menanyakan padaku arti dari "pickup lines" dan contoh-contohnya. Di bawah ini adalah contoh-contoh pickup lines:

Romantic Pickup Lines[sunting]

  • Do you have a map? Because I just keep getting lost in your eyes.
  • Lady, if I'm the Earth, you're the clouds that hang above my world.
  • Can you give me directions to your heart? I've seemed to have lost myself in your eyes.

Cheesy Pickup Lines[sunting]

  • Your mother must be a hero! Because she gave birth of you so that I can meet you now.
  • Can I have your picture? So I can show it to God what I want for the next Valentine's day.
  • Are you Google? Because I've just found what I'm searching for.

Vulgar Pickup Lines[sunting]

  • Can I floss with your pubic hair?
  • You're the only one girl I love tonight. But the next 9 months, I'll love another girl. She will call you "Mom".
  • Do you like my face? (The girl says: yeah) Do you wanna sit on it now?

Literary Pickup Lines[sunting]

DISCLAIMER: These are literary pickup lines which are used for intellectuals. Don't try these to your crush, because these are intellectual chat up lines. You are not worth because you are not intellectual.

  • If I was smart as Kepler and understood the rings around Saturn, what would it all matter if you loved me?
  • If I cloaked the world in the bottle and everything was still beneath the moon, without your love would it shine for me?
  • If you put Oxygen to my lungs, you would fulfill all my life for sure.

Indonesian Modus[sunting]

  • If you are ant, I want dong to be your sugar.
  • How if we both become thieves, you steal my heart and I steal your heart.
  • I want to confess sin. Don't angry ya. Sorry before. Last night I dream you hug me. You want nggak if you do the same now?


Speech means "pidato". Dalam berpidato berbahasa Inggris, usahakan fokus dan jangan kebanyakan e.... a... anu..... dll. Yang terpenting dalam English speeching adalah mind-mapping, body language, gesture, eye gaze, dan sex appeal. Di bawah ini adalah contoh Standard English speech:

Ladies and gentlemen. It's nice to see you all here. As the more perceptive of you probably realize by now, this is hell. And I'm the devil, good evening! But you can call me Toby if you like. We're gonna keep things informal here, as well as infernal.

Well, you're all here for eternity, which I hardly need to tell you is a heck of a long time. So you'll get to know each other pretty well by the end. But for now, I'm gonna have to split you up into group. First, murderers, over here please! And then.... looters and pilladgers over here, beside murderers. And also thieves, if you could join them? Ahh... yes, lawyers coupled with corruptors, will you join them? Thank you.

Then, fornicators! If you could step forward please? O My God, there are lots of you... umm, if you could split into two, male adulterers and bitches for the rest. For male adulterers, if you could form a line in front of that abattoir devil on the corner then, please? Thank you.

And next is atheists! Atheists, over there please, form a line by yourselves! You must be feeling right bunch of nitwits? Never mind. And finally theists. All theists from any religion, form a line behind atheists please. I'm sorry I'm afraid the Pagans were right. So you can stop fighting, started from now.

Next... ah! The French!! Mr. Napoleon Bonaparte and your army. If you could come down with the Germans and Adolf Hitler over here please! I'm sure you have plenty to talk about.

Well now I'd like to tell you the most important thing related to the hell that we don't have any toilet here. If you read your Holy Books, you might have seen that hell was a damnation without relief. So if you couldn't enjoy yourself in hell, then I believe that's the point.

Well, it's all over for now. I'll catch you all later for dessert. Bye-bye!


Translation (ilmu tarjamah) adalah ilmu tentang penerjemahan dari Bahasa Inggris ke Bahasa Indonesia dan atau sebaliknya. Menerjemahkan suatu bahasa itu tidak bisa dilakukan oleh sembarang orang dengan sembarangan, walaupun orang itu jago berbahasa Inggris. Sedikitnya butuh waktu 5 abad 5 tahun 5 bulan 5 hari 5 jam 5 menit 5 detik 5 milidetik untuk mempelajari ilmu tarjamah. Ya iyalah, bayangkan seorang ahli tarjamah (translator) telah menghabiskan waktu cukup banyak berabad-abad belajar ilmu tarjamah, lha masak kamu main sembarangan terjemahin, dikit-dikit copas Google Translate. Padahal Google Translate itu banyak ngaconya lho. Coba aja tes terjemahin kata ini di Google Translate: "dasar anjing geladak!" masak jadi "basic mongrel!"? Hahahha. Itulah bodohnya Google Translate yang sama bodohnya dengan kamu.

Berikut ini adalah contoh menerjemahkan kata yang baik dan benar:

Eng: Let it out.
Ind: Biarkan itu keluar. (salah)
Ind: Biarkanlah. (benar)

Eng: Although I might not seem to care.
Ind: Walaupun aku mungkin tidak terlihat untuk peduli. (salah)
Ind: Meskipun aku mungkin terlihat tidak mempedulikannya. (benar)

Eng: Are you nuts?
Ind: Apakah kamu kacang-kacang? (salah)
Ind: Kamu gila? (benar)

Eng: I'm sorry I'm afraid you're late.
Ind: Aku minta maaf aku takut kamu telat. (salah)
Ind: Maaf sayangnya anda sudah terlambat. (benar)

Eng: How was that? It was cheesy chat up line or something?
Ind: Bagaimana itu? Itu adalah garis obrolan atas keju-kejuan atau sesuatu? (salah)
Ind: Gimana? Tadi itu gombalan murahan ya? (benar)

Eng: Ladies and gentlemen. Please welcome, John Lennon!
Ind: Gadis-gadis dan pria-pria lelembut. Mohon selamat datang, John Lennon! (salah)
Ind: Saudara-saudari sekalian. Mari kita sambut, John Lennon! (benar)

Dan berikut ini adalah contoh menerjemahkan Indonesia ke Inggris yang benar.

Ind: Jangan jadi penjilat!
Eng: Don't become sucker! (salah)
Eng: Don't be a sychopant! (benar)

Ind: Apa kamu sudah makan siang?
Eng: What you already noon eat? (salah)
Eng: Did you already have lunch? (benar)

Ind: Nanti saya telepon kembali. Terima kasih sebelumnya.
Eng: Later I telephone back. Thanks before. (salah)
Eng: I'll call you later. Thanks. (benar)

Ind: Jangan bilang siapa-siapa ya?
Eng: Don't say who-who yes? (salah)
Eng: Don't tell anybody please! (benar)

Ind: Seandainya setiap manusia mampu berada di dua buah tempat sekaligus, maka aku akan bersamamu sepanjang tahun.
Eng: I wish every single human able to be in two place at once, then I will be with you as long as year. (salah)
Eng: If a man could be two places at one time, then I would be with you throughout the year. (benar)

Ind: Seorang guru yang berusia 47 tahun mencabuli seorang gadis di bawah umur selama lebih dari 24 jam dengan menyekapnya di salah satu gudang sekolah.
Eng: A teacher who age 47 years old rape a girl under age for more than 24 hour with locked her in one of school's warehouse. (salah)
Eng: A 47-year-old teacher raped an underage child for more than 24 hours by locking her up inside a school's storage room. (benar)

Sampai sini, apakah kamu sudah menyadari dimana letak kebodohanmu? Inilah akibat dari mengandalkan Google Translate.

Serapan Bahasa Indonesia ke Bahasa Inggris[sunting]

Sejak kecil di sekolah kita diajarkan bahwa bahasa Indonesia banyak menyerap bahasa-bahasa asing seperti Bahasa Arab, Bahasa Cina, Bahasa Portugis, Bahasa Belanda, dan bahkan Bahasa Inggris. Padahal kenyataan yang sebenarnya merekalah yang menyerap bahasa kita. Kehebatan Indonesia di masa lampau tidak diketahui karena sedikit sekali prasasti yang ditemukan. Namun kalau kita sadar, banyak sekali ditemukan bukti Bahasa Indonesia adalah sumber dari setiap bahasa asing. Dalam hal ini, di bawah ini adalah daftar kata-kata Bahasa Inggris yang diserap dari Bahasa Indonesia.

  • Mau Gila = Mozilla (nama sebuah browser internet).
  • Lari-tidak mobil-tidak = Run-no Car-no (Rano Karno).
  • Lari-tidak mobil-tidak dua mobil-warna = Run-no Car-no two-car color (Rano Karno tukar kolor).
  • Terlalu-dingin adalah-ingin = To-cool Are-wanna (Tukul Arwana).
  • Dan-yang-menjadi = And-The-So (Ndeso).
  • Pergi membunuh = Go-kill (Gokil)
  • Pergi nge-blog = Go-blog (Goblok)
  • Hanya-remaja menjadi-bir = Just-teen Be-beer (Justin Bibir).
  • Dua satu dua satu dua mobil kerucut kubah = Two-one two-one two-car two-car cone-dome (Tuan-tuan tukar tukar kondom).
  • Mobil merah dua gadis = Car-red two-girls (Karet tugel, Javanese word for putus).
  • Ayam betina dasi = Hen-tie (Hentai).
  • Pantai bagi = Bay-share (Beser, Javanese word for kencing).
  • This user = Dis yu-ser.
  • Datang-O bisa-gigi, dibawa-dibawa-dibawa, seekor-sapi merah muda-matahari = Come-O can-tooth, brought-brought-brought, a-cow pink-sun (Kamu kentut, brot-brot-brot, aku pingsan).
  • Dua satu dua satu dua mobil adalah pohon = Two-one two-one two-car is-tree (Tuan-tuan tukar istri).
  • Dasi dan kursi, roti-roti-roti = Tie and-chair, bread-bread-bread (Tai encer, bred-bred-bred).
  • Kerucut tinggi dua gadis = cone-tall two-girl (kontol tugel).
  • Kerucut tinggi pergi muda pergi muda = cone-tall go-young go-young (kontol goyang-goyang).
  • Busur kucing-ambil = Bow Cat-Take (Bau Ketek).
  • Busur-topi = Bow-Cap (Bokep)
  • Pria-tangki = Man-tank (Menteng, sebuah daerah di Jakarta).
  • Meloncat-roti = jump-bread (jambret).
  • Membayar-paket Berangkat-lagu = Pay-pack go-song (Pepek gosong).
  • Hantu-lagu = ghost-song (gosong).
  • Pergi-muda beberapa-bayar si-bunuh = go-young some-pay the-kill (goyang sampe dekil).
  • Lebah-muda peduli-batu = bee-young care-rock (biang kerok).
  • Kapal-Hantu = Ghost-Ship (gosip).
  • Datang-O Kemah-Tikus = Come-O camp-rat = (Kamu kampret).
  • BH lutut sebuah kait peju = Bra-knee the-hook-cum (Berani dihukum).
  • Ibu-dorong sapi = mom-push cow (mampus kau).
  • Hari-kerucut = cone-day (konde).
  • Mungkin buat kucing dingin = may-make cat-chill (memek kecil).
  • Menggugat kacang = sue-nut (sunat).
  • Menggugat-mobil-tidak = sue-car-no (Soekarno, the president of Indonesia).
  • Menggugat-susah-jari kaki = sue-hard-toe (Soeharto, the president of Indonesia).
  • Roy yakin-yo = Roy sure-yo (Roy Suryo)
  • Sapi-tas-berangkat = Cow-bag-go = (Kau bego).
  • Lihat-memang = see-won (Siwon, gay band)
  • Kirim dalam = send-in (Senin)
  • Sel pantat sebuah = cell-ass-a (selasa).
  • Rap-Boo (rabu).
  • Datang nona = come-miss (kamis).
  • Meloncat-pada Jump-at (Jumat)
  • Getah juga = Sab-too (sabtu).
  • Mangga = Minggu (Mango??? MANGO??? gak nyambung BANGET... WHAT THE FUCK???)
  • Tuang tidak = Pour-no (Porno).
  • Lompat-taruk = Jump-put (Jamput)
  • Meledak-duduk = Bang-sat= (Bangsat).
  • Dosa-berpikir = Sin-think = (Sinting).
  • Sebuah-jeng = an-jeng (Anjing??? GAK NYAMBUNG!!!)
  • Tambah-ie pukul-pukul = Add-ie tee-tee (Adi Titi, kumpulan plesetan)
  • Saya-kamu-terlihat-sesuatu = I-you-seen-thing (Ayu Shin Ting).
  • Jalan toll panjang = toll-long (tolong).
  • Udara uang dan-kursi = Air money and-chair (air mani encer).
  • Berburu juga = Hunt-too (Hantu).
  • Es-tai-sobek-kamu = Ice-shit-tear-you (Aishiteru, Bahasa Jepang).
  • Tema-petik = Theme-pick (Tempik, Bahasa Jawa).
  • Kerucut-tinggi pergi-lagu = cone-tall go-song (Kontol gosong).
  • Rendah-meleduk mungkin-membuat = Low-bang may-make (Lobang memek, diserap ke mandem slang to be "pussyhole").
  • Buruk-daun mint-nada = bad-mint-tone (Badminton).
  • Waktu-babi bola-panjang = Time-pig ball-long (Tempik bolong)
  • Dua-benteng busur-merendam = Two-rook bow-soak (Turuk bosok)
  • Memek-remaja = Cunt-teen (Kantin)
  • Memek-tur = Cunt-tour (Kantor)
  • Memek-cina = cunt-chink (kancing)
  • Selesai-Garis-Garis = Done-Line-Line (Dan lain-lain)

Tips dan Trik Belajar Bahasa Inggris[sunting]

Dalam mempelajari bahasa Inggris, ada beberapa kata yang paling gampang diingat oleh orang-orang yang baru belajar bahasa Inggris, terutama oleh orang Indonesia, dimanapun dia berada, yaitu kata 'Yes' dan kata 'No'. Kata ini sangat mudah dihapal bahkan oleh anak balita sekalipun karena hanya terdiri dari tiga dan dua huruf. Tapi tanpa disadari oleh mereka, justru dua kata inilah kata yang paling jorok dan vulgar dalam bahasa Inggris.
Tidak percaya? Silakan Anda tonton film-film porno, baik itu buatan amatir maupun profesional, terutama film-film porno buatan WiWid, BrangBros dan sebagainya. Cara mendapatkannya terserah Anda, mau beli di Glodok bisa, di kaki lima juga banyak, atau minjem sama temen yang berotak mesum boleh, unduh sendiri dari internet ga masalah asal punya bandwidth yg cukup, atau ngintip orang yang lagi nonton juga bisa. Bahasa Inggris yang paling sering diucapkan dalam film-film tersebut adalah "Oh, No... Oh... Yes... Yes... Yes..." Sangat vulgar sekali bukan?

Bahkan sejauh mata penulis memandang dari kejauhan, kata ini pun mulai digunakan oleh para pembuat film porno dari negara lain. Singkat kata, kata 'Yes' dan 'No' itu identik dengan film porno, hampir semua film porno menggunakan kata ini baik tercatat dalam naskahnya ataupun sekedar improvisasi dari sang pemeran, kecuali film porno bisu dan film porno yang sama sekali bukan bahasa Inggris, tentunya.

Untuk itu, berhati-hatilah dalam mengajarkan bahasa Inggris, terutama pada anak-anak di usia dini. Jangan mendahulukan mengajarkan kedua kata ini, karena apabila anak-anak sudah dididik vulgar sejak dini, mau jadi apa generasi kita nanti???

Lihat pula[sunting]


PBB (Persatuan Bahasa-Bahasa)
Bahasa IndonesiaIndonesian ReversalBahasa Jaksel, LiterallyAksara JawaAksara BugisAksara LampungAksara SundaAksara BaliCakak 𐤁Tranungﺑﺎﺣﺎﺳﺎ ﻣﻼﻳﻮالعربيةעבריתفارسی𐤃𐤓𐤉𐤌𐤟𐤊𐤍𐤏𐤍𐤉𐤌中文廣東話संस्कृतम्हिन्दी日本語한국어ภาษาไทยTiếng ViệtWikang TagalogEspañolFrançaisBahasa KatalanPortuguêsNederlandsDeutschItalianoLatinumελληνικάBahasa Makedoniaрусский языкSvenskaSuomiBahasa BatakBahaso MinangkabauWest Sumatra ReversalBaso PalembangBahasa LampungBasa SundaBasa PasaranBoso JowoBoso SuroboyoEast Java ReversalBahasa BaliBasa MangkasarakBasa UgiBaso Melayu JambiBahasa ManadoBahasa Cia-CiaBahasa PapuaBahasa KoenoKecek KelateBahase PeghokBahasa GaulbAH4S4 jn6 kll1nBahasa PremanBahasa Tukul-TukulanPelet Dukun KedahBahasa OCBahasa MatematikaBahasa di JonggolBahasa ThrthrBahasa DolanBahasa Taman LawangBahasana EquestriaAntonim-Sinonim Uwi Uwi !Bwah Bwah Bwah #[email protected]=&! PikachuNewspeakBahasa Indonesia QayyumnesiaBahasa Indonesia Republik RioBahasa FakihnesiaEnglish (fakihnesia)Bahasa Indonesia (fakihnesia)Bahasa QDJY☪︎♓︎❍︎♎︎♓︎■︎♑︎⬧︎